If you've visited my prolife page before, you probably know that until now, I have focused most of my energies on bringing the plight of aborted babies to your attention. Yet there is another class of abortion victims to whom I have given little attention--the women who abort. This lack of attention is a serious failing on my part. It is due to my singleminded focus on the most innocent and helpless "victim of choice", the child. Yet even though my intentions are pure, God has told me through my prolife mentor that I have been seriously lacking in compassion for the woman who aborts. This page is an attempt to rectify the situation.
Here you will find stories from women who have aborted one or more of their children. I place their stories here, exactly as I have received them via email. I will make minor editorial revisions, but I'll never change the original meaning or content of the post. I've placed these stories here in the hopes that someone who is considering abortion will read what others have been through, and hopefully, decide not to abort her child.
To protect the anonymity of each poster, I will use pseudonyms. If you wish to contact the poster, and if she wishes to receive responses, you can send your messages to "voltz@ovnet.com", with the girl's pseudonym in the subject line (e.g., "to Jamie"), or click on the highlighted pseudnym below the story title.
No Relief
by "Rachel"
I thought I was all alone in this, but after reading so many stories here, I have realized that I am not. I decided to have an abortion on January 19th 2001. This day is the biggest regret of my life.
I was twenty-one years old and engaged, a junior at a wonderful University. My fiance and I had talked of children, but decided to wait until some time after we were married. And one night of misjudgment and irresponsibility changed all that. At first, I was scared at the thought of being pregnant....how do I be a mother. what about money, what about school. My family was going to be livid that I my fiance and I had conceived a child out of wedlock. My fiance was extremely happy about the pregnancy, despite the timing. I unfortunately was not. I became depressed about school and money and my parents finding out. I was going to disgrace everyone! I became so depressed, I hated being pregnant and I hated myself. I refused to eat and skipped classes. All I did was cry and throw up and worry. I even tried to commit suicide.
One day I woke up and decided that abortion would be the way out. And it wasn't. I was so selfish, only consumed with my own worries. I gave no thought to what I had decided to do. I was like a machine. I walked into the clinic, handed them my savings and in 15 short minutes my life was changed forever. At first, I felt nothing, but now I eat, sleep, and breath our daughter...We were going to name her Ruby. I lost everything.....my relationship, my child, my money, myself. I have had to start from the ground up again. People tell me all the time to get over it...you're a gorgeous, smart girl you'll find some one and bounce back." There is n bouncing back. I lost two people back at that clinic and neither of the them are going to come back to me.
So this is for the beautiful daughter I refused. I am so very sorry!! I love you Ruby. Mommy loves you!
A Mother's Misery
by "Callan"
At the age of nineteen I turned up pregnant. I wanted my child more than anything. My mother told me not to keep the baby and my boyfriend at the time did nothing but tell me how I was going to ruin his life if I had my baby. He told me over and over again that I was a child myself and shouldn't be having a child of my own, telling me that I couldn't give my child anything but love and that was not enough. Telling me that I would make a terrible single parent. Basically he pushed and pushed until I began considering abortion.
It seemed that it was what my mother wanted for me and I knew damn well that it was what my loser of a boyfriend wanted. From the second I knew I was pregnant I loved that child. I found out when I was about 5 1/2 weeks along.
By that time my child was already forming into the unique individual he would have been. His heart was pumping blood through his tiny little body. All he needed was for me to love him enough to let him grow. I named him the day I knew he was really there inside of me. People ask how I knew he was a boy, a mother has a "gut" feeling about it. My son, Brandon Christopher, was growing everyday.
When I was about eight weeks along I had to go to the emergency room because I was in excruciating pain. They told me that I was most likely going to miscarry and that I shouldn't get too attached to my baby. Well, I was furious and heartbroken. I went for an ultrasound and they found out that I had a large cyst on one of my ovaries. I was told that my cyst would only go away if I was no longer pregnant.
The pain was so intense that I couldn't eat and I was usually hunched over in agony with tears streaming down my face. I was only able to sleep when I passed out from the pain. I cried myself to sleep the pain was so agonizing. Against my beliefs (that life is a gift and that a child is a miracle not an "accident") I had my pregnancy terminated at eleven weeks.
The doctors at the hospital never told me of the risks or long term effects. They also never offered me options on treating the cyst. I know now that I could have endured the pain for another few weeks and that they could have removed it with a simple laser surgery procedure. It was just easier for the doctors to perform the abortuion than it was for them to help me carry my child to term.
About eight months after my abortion I was plagued with various illnesses. A year and a half of tests and nothing was found to be wrong. I have since discovered that I suffer from post abortion syndrome. A very common condition. It infuriates me that no one botherd to tell me that I could have permanent emotional damage. Not to mention physical damage. Sex is painful 90% of the time.
I am 23 years old and I can't have children. I have been diagnosed with poly cystic ovarian syndrome. I may never be able to get pregnant on my own. I will probably have to use fertility drugs or get invitro fertilization. The wonderful man I am now engaged to knows about my past and he is as heartbroken as I am at the possibility that we may never have children of our own.
I suffer with eating disorders as a result of my emotional turmoil. I have gained an enormous amount of weight due to my inability to keep a proper diet. Everyday I mourn my child. Knowing that he felt the pain of his tiny body being ripped from within the safety of my womb. Living with the guilt of having allowed my child's demise.
I know of two women who have had more than two abortions each. The only time abortion should be permitted if the women WILL die if she carries to term. I know that pregnancies sometimes result from rape and incest. In fact, my stepfather's mother was raped and if abortion had been a legal option in the 40's my stepfather would have been aborted rather than put up for adoption. That means that my mother would never have met him and fallen in love, that my brother and sister wouldn't be here right now.
I wish abortion were illegal where I live (Canada). Then my son would be here. Yesterday he would have turned two (it was my due date plus 2 yrs). I was never a religious person until recently. It is the only way I have been able to find comfort amongst the sorrow. Life is a daily struggle. I know my Brandon is up in heaven looking down on me. I know the he knows that I love him and miss him. I know that he forgives me. I am just going through hell in trying to find the strength to forgive myself.
To anyone who has had an abortion and needs comforting, I recommend a book that has brought me some comfort. It is called "I'll Hold You In Heaven" and the author is Jack Hayford.
I have been in search of other mourning mothers to share stories, support, encouragement with. If you are also a mourning mother as I am then please email me at callan@ppse.org.
Bella's Story
by "Jasmine"
Abortion has always been a very sore subject with me. I had always thought that girls that had them were sleeping around and didn't care. I never thought that I would ever get an abortion. That is until I had one.
I had an abortion on Feb. 17th 2001. I'm only 15 years old. Giving up my child was the worst mistake that I have ever made, and I still don't forgive myself for doing it. Only I didn't have a choice whether or not to have my child.
I found out I was 2 months pregnant on Jan 16 th. I had been sick prior to finding out I was pregnant and I thought that me throwing up all the time was just part of me being sick and I never had a clue I would have ever been pregnant. When I told my boyfrined that I was pregnant, I guess I expected him to be upset and tell me it wasn't his kid. But I got the opposite and he was happier than I had ever seen him before.
Of course our parents didn't seem to be as happy as we were. His parents took it better then mine did and the first words out of my mother's mouth were, "You're getting an abortion." I dont think I have ever hated my mother more in my entire life. When I went to my doctor's appointment for my sonogram, my boyfriend couldn't make it and I was alone. I kept thinking that I had always wanted children and this was a little sooner then what I had expected but I was going to deal with that cards God dealt me.
I was really nervous but my heart sank when the nurse told me that there was something wrong with "her". The nurse had explained to me after I had given her all the information she asked for that because I had been sick and because I was still taking my birth control that I had one my baby more harm then good in 2 months. They told me that her heart was never going to be fully developed and if I decided to have her, that there would be a 50% chance of her dying during labor or even before my 9 months were up.
My doctor explained to me that the safest thing I could do for her and myself was to get an abortion. I guess they were trying to protect me from the pain if she would have died during labor or before. But still in my mind I wouldn't accept it and I was forced to go have the procedure done. My boyfriend came with me and my parents. The half an hour I waited to go in were the longest minutes in my life. Ever since I had found out I was pregnant I promised my daughter that I would never hurt her and now I was going to be the cause of her death. I have always had my boyfriend's support throught out the whole pregnancy and I'm glad to say that we're still together. My only fear was that the doctors at the clinic wouldn't let him be with me during the process, and as I suspected they wouldnt let him come back with me. I was laying on the metal table waiting for the doctor's to come in and I have never had anything as painful happen to me as I would in the next 20 minutes.
The nurse and doctor told me it should only last 10 minutes and I was crying all day and I completly broke down when he told me to lay back. I wasnt given any medication and half way through the process the doctor informed me that he used the wrong size tube and he had to start again. I never stoped thinking about my daughter and what she was going through. I learned about your site through a friend I told about what had happened, In a way I understand what happened and what she went through.
I will never forgive myself for leting her go through all the pain she had to. She would have been born this coming August. My boyfriend and I picked out the name Bella. Your daddy and mommy love you very much sweetie and we just wanted to let you know that your always in our heart and we will NEVER stop loving you.
No Idea
by "Charlene"
I am totally sick to my stomach and a total wreck after reading these stories. I too had an abortion years ago. I was told then that before two months time there was not much of a baby and that it wouldn't feel anything.
I didn't want to have an abortion and my boyfriend said that he didn't care one way or the other. So at first I was going to keep my baby and even began to look at name choices. It wasn't until I called home (I was stationed in Italy) and told my mother that it all came around. You see my Mom just couldn't tell my Grandma or other family members that I was pregnant and not married.
She told me that she had had an abortion when I was seven and that it is for the better. I told this to the father of the baby and he asked me what I wanted to do. At this point I wasn't sure, but prior to this I was totally against abortion. I think hearing my Mom, a single Mom of two, who had always told me that she would support me no matter what happened (specifically about an unplanned pregnancy) to me say that she would rather that I have an abortion than to come home with a baby out of wedlock.
How stupid was I? I was twenty years old and a military police officer in the Army. WHY DID I CARE WHAT SHE THOUGHT 2000 MILES AWAY?! We will never understand the power our mothers have over us.
My boyfriend (who now is my husband of eleven years) Eric said that he was not ready to tell his parents that he was going to be a father outside of marriage and would prefer an abortion. I still did not want one deep in my heart, so I said yeah that would be the best choice, but the military does not perform them and we are in Italy.
Whew! Right? Wrong. When Satan wants your children there is no stopping him. From out of nowhere. I was in the hospital with Eric looking through a baby name book no less when a nurse asked us if we were wanting this pregnancy. Eric hesitated and I explained that he was having second thoughts, but there really was no other choice. Where did this woman come from because all of a sudden she has all the answers. There are quite a few places in Italy to have an abortion done and she knew all that we needed to know to get it done quick.
So now with no fight left I shuffled through all the motions. The day of the procedure I honestly prayed that someone would run up and so NO stop right there. But all was silent no call from my Mom no word from Eric as we drove to the hospital. (There were major repercussion because of this you see Eric was not my "Knight in Shining Armor" so later in our lives I found it very difficult to be with him and we almost got divorced. I mean I went mental and I followed it all back to this very point. It is only through the Lord Jesus that our lives go on as one.) In fact after they led us all down into the basement where they performed their evil deeds I ran back, because I had forgotten a sanitary napkin, with two nurses in tow. Eric looked at me and asked what was going on. I waited for him to say come on let's go. Instead he looked to the nurses and I explained what I was doing and he watched them lead me back down to the basement.
It was painful and when I cried out the doctor told me in Italian to shut up and that I was stupid that I couldn't feel any of it. There was no help on or off the table and I am positive that they did not clean any of the instruments in between the women. The pro-choice people have put out the notion that the baby doesn't feel any of it either. That was when I felt a small jump in my abdomen after they gave the shot that it was just a muscle spasm, well that was believable then, but not now. I am the mother of four and have felt that very same jump in all my pregnancies. "Muscle spasm" my ass. That was my baby dying inside of me wrenching in pain.
It kills me to write of this I have never told anyone not even Eric, but I am left sitting here wondering why God loves me so after what I did. HE LOVES ME SO MUCH that he has blessed me with four beautiful awesome children and a loving husband. He gave me those kids and restored my marriage and saved me from an eternal hell!! WHY? I don't fully understand why, but I sure am thankful with every breath and heartbeat I thank Him.
I don't think I could ever name the baby I aborted--it is too painful. But I know I have been forgiven and at times I forgive myself. I am having trouble with forgiving my Mom and Eric completely. It has a lot to do with the fact that neither one of them want to talk about it. I know that they both feel like maybe God will take it out on one of our babies, but I know better. Those are precious gifts from Him and He will never take them away. I hope you can use this to make a difference. You do know that our only hope is through education? We will never be able to force our views on everyone we must educate our young ones so that they can understand the truth.
The Worst Mistake Of My Life
by "Debbie"
All my life I have been pro-life. When I found out I was pregnant, something changed. I am only 15, and my boyfriend said he wasen't ready, he said he would support me in any decision I made, but i knew it was a lie. Being the immature 15 yeard old I am, I felt that I coulden't lose him. So I agreed to have the abortion. As I was lying on the table, and the nurse covered my mouth with the mask, I was thinking, "no, i cant to do this", but the drugs that they gave me woulden't allow me to speak, no words could come out. I wanted so badly just to tell him to stop, that I changed my mind, but I coulden't. To this day, I hate myself for it. I wish with all my heart I would have kept my baby. I think about him all day long. (for some reason, instinct I guess, I know it was a boy.) It kills me to think I would have a baby right now. I am always depressed, I cry all night long. I was once raped, and I have felt more pain through this than when the rape happened. I would chose to be raped a hundred more times if I could just have my baby back. Nicholas James, that was to be his name. If anyone reading this thinks I am a horrible person for doing this, I agree with you. I hate myself. I have lost all faith in god to help me through this. If anyone out there is considering having an abortion, please please realize how you will feel afterwards. I wake up every morning knowing that I killed my baby. If you are thinking of having an abortion, please know that it is a horrible experience to go through. And if you do decide to have one, make sure it is your decision and no one elses. When you feel that someone made you do it it hurts even worse, and you will grow to hate that person. Make sure you have someone to support you through it. I have no one. I am too ashamed to tell anyone. So I live with this secret everyday of myliufe, knowing that I did the wrong thing. I hope that one day I will be with my child again, and I preay that he will forgive me. It wasen't his fault, he did nothing wrong, yet he paid with his life. I love you Nicholas.
A Personal View
by "Cassie"
One day you will understand why I had to lie on that table.
All of the running left me nowhere except 3 months pregnant, young
and able.
I often sit here and wonder, how motherhood would be.
Would I be able to give you the love that god intended you to see?
I know it wasn't fair to you, I know you had no choice in the matter.
As time went on it was only one more step up the ladder.
I could feel you growing. Oh what a feeling,
Of something I created, through all of that wheeling and dealing.
Even though I knew you were wrong, you were still my baby.
All the mixed up feelings, should I keep you? Maybe!
I was so confused inside, but yet you were still growing.
Decisions decisions so hard to make could I give you up knowing.
That all the love I have inside could have been for you.
But now it's too late and I don't know what to do.
What if you were a girl, rocking you to bed every night.
Kissing you gently as I turned off the light.
Would you have been a boy? So small in every way.
Little fingers and little toes I wonder everyday.
What would you look like it is killing me inside.
It has hurt me so bad all I want to do is hide.
No one understands how I felt, lying there under that light.
And everything I gave up on that cold dark lonely night.
Now it's all over. You were there and now your not.
I can't seem to put it behind, and I think about you a lot.
Life is full of many decisions; you have to do what is right.
The only way for me to succeed was to give you up to god that night.
I am a baby myself. I have a lot of growing up to do.
I don't think that I could handle it and that wouldn't be fair to yu.
No matter what the decision was, I'd have to deal with it forever.
All of the confusion I feel inside, would I do it again? Never!
Going against god in all ways, having sex with a stranger.
No love involved just mystery and danger.
In the doctors office I thought, " Oh no not me!"
But yes it was true, yes a baby it will be.
All of the tears I cried. It was all a lesson taught.
One night of passion and then I was caught.
No one to turn to all-alone by myself.
With nowhere to go like a dusty book on the shelf.
Since the night it happened I haven't been the same.
All I can do is hide my head in shame.
Did you feel the pain I felt? That digging feeling inside?
When it was all over, all I could do was cry.
To think that I hurt you in such a way.
My heart aches to hold you, the only thing I can say is,
I'm sorry I love you!
Ariel's story
by "Ruth"
Ariel's story began several years before I was married.
I had been sexually assaulted, and two months or so later, I found out I was pregnant. I didn't want to have an abortion; I wanted to have the baby and give him or her up for adoption. But some of my family as well as some "friends" made it very clear to me that I would be an outcast in society and with them, if I carried this child to term. I was given to understand that I would be homeless if I chose to have this child. I felt as though I was between a rock and a hard place, not knowing where to turn. If I had known of pro-life crisis pregnancy centers back then, I am sure I would have turned to one. But I didn't know of any, and I'm not even sure any existed back then. And so I allowed my first child to be aborted. I did this with a mixture of confusion and a sense of betrayal; my family was an Orthodox Jewish one, and I had known that religious Jews were against abortion and even birth control.
After the abortion, I felt a mixture of grief, terror and sadness. But a few months later, I began trying to rationalize the abortion in my mind. I told myself that I "really didn't want kids anyway", and that "it was probably for the best". Unfortunately, my mother actually encouraged this mentality, because she herself had secretly never wanted to have children, and often had said things to my siblings and I to that effect. I even became involved for a while in the so-called "pro-choice" (pro-abortion) movement, doing volunteer work for NARAL and some smaller pro-abortion groups. For the last 3 years of my involvement, I was an escort at two area abortion clinics.
After some long conversations with a fellow clinic escort, I decided I might want to try to have a child. The other escort also reached that decision, and we were both "trying" around the same time. I became pregnant; Susan also did, but miscarried. I remember when she came to the clinic one Saturday after having miscarried a few days before, wondering why she was so upset. I felt she "knew" what we all did--that a fetus is not a baby anyway. Yet she kept saying through her tears, "I lost my baby". She stopped coming to the clinic to escort after that, and I never knew why.
I had never carried a pregnancy to term before, and didn't know what to expect. On my first prenatal visit at 10 weeks, my OBGYN listened for the fetal heartbeat. I didn't realize it could be heard so soon, and he replied, "The heart is beating from 3 weeks on!" That really floored me; I had no idea. I heard my son's heartbeat, and it sounded like a train.
Then, my doctor asked to do an ultrasound. I saw my son, at 10 weeks from conception, moving on the screen and it left me in awe. But then, like a slap in the face, it dawned on me that the baby I'd aborted years before also had had a beating heart. I had aborted him at the same point in the pregnancy----10 weeks.
I left my doctor's office extremely upset and disoriented. I don't know how I even made it home. When I got home, I found in the day's mail a letter from a pro-lifer in Arizona whom I'd met, and with whom I'd been arguing the abortion issue by mail. On the back of his envelope, he'd put a sticker that read, "Abortion Stops A Beating Heart". I felt like God was really trying to convey a message to me!
I contacted a crisis pregnancy center--ironically, one I had helped NOW picket on a few occasions---and asked them if I could come in and talk to someone. They agreed.
I ended up talking to a psychologist who runs the center's post-abortion counseling sessions. I poured out my entire history to her, including the fact that I was pregnant and that my prenatal visits seemed to cause something inside me to "break" regarding my past abortion. She said what I was going through was very common, and normal. I began going to them for counseling, which they never asked me any money for.
At one point, the counselor told me I should really think about naming the baby I'd aborted. I refused, saying it would only make me feel worse to have a name for the baby; that it would make me "bond" with him or her. She said that was the idea, and that it would facilitate healing. I stopped going for counseling at that point, because I didn't like being made to feel I should name the baby. I felt sure it would only make me feel that much worse over what I had done.
The rest of my pregnancy was horrible. At a time when I should have been happily looking forward to a new baby, I was consumed with grief and guilt over the baby I'd aborted. I feared that God would take this baby from me to "pay me back" for the baby I'd aborted. I felt I didn't deserve to be a mother. Consequently, it was very hard for me to bond with my son, both before birth and for a fewmonths after birth. I realize now that if I had learned how to deal with the sorrow over my abortion sooner, and had not gone into denial and pushed the pain down, it would not have come back years later with such a fury. It took over 10 years, but the post-abortion trauma finally got its "pound of flesh".
A few years later, when my daughter Rachel was stillborn, the hospital grief counselor told me I really should name my baby. I did, and when I did, a flood of peace came over me because I realized what my post-abortion counselor had meant years before, when she urged me to name the baby I'd aborted. It took the accidental loss of Rachel to make me understand, but I finally did.
When I was out of the hospital after losing Rachel, I went to the abortion clinic where I had aborted my first child so many years before. I prayed to God outside that place, and asked my aborted baby to forgive me. I named him Ariel, which is the name of one of the Archangels. His middle name I chose to be Nachman, which is Hebrew for "comforter". I felt Ariel had comforted me and had forgiven me. Now, the task at hand was to forgive myself...a much harder job, one that few women who feel deep regret after an abortion ever manage to do.
I included Ariel's story on my website, because he is also a baby I lost. I felt it would be wrong not to tell his story, and to include this tribute to him on my site. Unlike my other babies, I cannot include a picture of Ariel here. He ended up like most aborted babies do...in a dump, or a landfill. May God have mercy on this nation, for allowing women to be able to kill their own children, and for allowing men and women who once took the Hippocratic Oath, to become murderers of unborn children.
If you have an abortion in your past, there is help available. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened, or why it happened. There is help available. And God is a loving and forgiving God, always remember that. He has said: "As far as the east is from the west, so far have I removed your transgressions from you" (Psalm 103).
If you need help after an abortion---no matter how long ago or what the reason for it was---there is help available! Visit one of the links I have below. Compassionate help is available. You don't need to suffer alone anymore!
August Misery
by "Tricia"
August 18, 2000
When I was 17 years old I found out that I was 8 weeks pregnant. My boyfriend with whom I was "shacking up" was a 24-year old physically and emotionally abusive alcoholic. I decided to keep the pregnancy a secret until I was beyond 12 weeks pregnant knowing that he would want an abortion and I mistakenly thought that this was the maximum gestation for having one. When I did tell him, he was furious and insisted that the child be aborted as soon as possible. I told him that it was too late to have one and he informed me that the clinic in fact performs abortions up to 16 weeks of gestation.
This news broke my heart. I did not want to kill this baby, but my co-dependence and addiction to this man won out. I finally made an appointment with the abortion clinic. When the day arrived, my parents (who are now very much pro-life) picked me up for the drive. My boyfriend refused to accompany me, telling me it was a "simple procedure" and I would "be in and out quickly." It was a long, terrible drive, I remember crying all the way up. This was the last thing in the world that I wanted to do, so why was I going along with it just to keep this man in my life? Why didn't I just leave him and stop living this awful life of sin, completely void of morals and ethics? All I could think about was the size of the baby, what it must weigh and the level of development it was at. I had already begun to feel a bond with this tiny life inside me. I felt like my whole world was caving in and everybody around me just wanted to me to get rid of this problem. I should have said no but I was too weak and dependent.
When we arrived at the abortion clinic, my mother and I were directed to a waiting room that was packed full of young girls. Everything seemed surreal. Even though each of these girls was about to commit the same atrocity as I was, I couldn't help thinking, "I don't belong here." I just cried through the whole wait. As each minute passed, I kept hoping that the medical staff would run out of time and have to send me away.
But, eventually I was called in and given a small written questionnaire whose purpose was to ensure that I was certain of this decision. I slowly checked off the answers, crying and trembling with fear and horror. I was sure that my obvious mental state would force them to reject me. They had told me over the telephone that due to the seriousness of this act, if they had any indication that I was not prepared to proceed, they couldn't allow me to do so. I remember being so surprised that this wasn't even considered. My mental state obviously didn't matter to them, they were only interested in one thing.
Instead of counseling me about the procedure and my emotional condition, they gave me some "pills" that they said would "calm my nerves." Then I went into the room where my child's fate would lie. There were many horrible looking surgical tools laid out on a table beside the bed. The doctor and nurses entered the room and none of them really talked to me at all; they seemed rather hurried, almost annoyed with me. One nurse bitterly told me to, "calm down, everything will be fine." I felt like a burden to them.
There was a drape covering my legs, but I could see the doctor moving about quickly and roughly. I could feel a lot of cramping in my abdomen and I realized that it was the sharp tools ripping apart my child. I imagined them first removing the arms, then the legs and the head. Then, I watched as a vacuum machine with a tube attached to it began sucking out the pieces of this little body. The tube was actually clear so I could see a tremendous amount of blood and clumpy masses passing through it. The pain was unspeakable, both physically and emotionally. The machine was loud and the suction made the most gruesome sound that I will never forget. I would rather listen to the sound of a dentist's drill in my ear for eternity than to hear that sound ever again for even a moment; the gruesome sound of a baby being sucked from its' mother's womb.
The procedure took a significant amount of time, and I found out the reason why after it was over. With sarcasm, the apathetic doctor told me, "Well, you were a lot further along than 16 weeks." It turns out that I was actually 18 to 20 weeks pregnant.
A nurse then told me that I could use an adjacent bathroom to clean up. I slid off the bed and felt so weary, in shock and in pain that my mother had to hold me up. As I slowly made my way toward the bathroom, I looked down and saw a drop of my blood about the size of a half-dollar fall to the floor. Seeing that blood clarified what I had done and I will never forget it. That was all that was left of my child. That was it.
I discarded my baby at a clinic of death that night, brutally murdered and left to rot in a sink. That child did not deserve that heinous murder. They told me the recovery time would be a couple of days with some mild cramping and light bleeding. Well, this was totally downplayed, when in fact there were several days of significant abdominal pain and an extraordinary amount of bleeding, so much that I had to wear diapers for a week. It's funny, they informed me about the cost of the abortion and the amount of time it should take to be completed, but what they didn't tell me about was the nightmares I would have for months afterwards or the tremendous shame that I would feel. They didn't tell me that I would be riddled with guilt and regret for the rest of my life and fear of being able to give a healthy birth in the future. The guilt, shame and fear that I feel are minute compared to the brutality that I condemned my unborn child to, but it's odd how the Pro-Choicer's illustrate this horror as a simple procedure when the truth is that it is nothing short of a brutal massacre of a human life.
I will now have to live with the choice I made for the rest of my life. I allowed a "doctor of death" to enter my womb, literally tear my child apart and suck it out of my body. This baby never had a chance to smile, dream, laugh or cry. His or her life was savagely snuffed out. Is this what Pro-Choice means? That you have the choice to have your unborn human baby diced up and violently sucked out of your body and down a sink drain?
The sole purpose of that abortion clinic is to murder human babies, herding women through like cattle, not so far off from what Hitler did in WWII. They did not halt the procedure upon observing my obvious mental state proving that there was absolutely no concern for this irreversible decision that I was about to undertake. They were cold and ill mannered during the procedure.
Women have been so blessed by God with the most beautiful gift of being the caretaker of life; unfortunately the world has given them the right to end life. This should not be a right of women but rather illegal as it is cold-blooded murder in the first degree.
I am now 29 years old, married to a loving, devoted husband and have a beautiful little girl whom I treasure with all my heart. And on May 21 of this year, I gave my heart to Christ. I was saved and delivered from evil. My Lord forgave me of my sins and for the first time in my life, I am truly happy. It will continue to be a journey of healing, but now that I have Christ in my life, everything is possible. He has given me an Amazing Grace and a new life. He's also given me immeasurable strength, love and guidance. Although the sin I committed on March 15, 1989 remains fresh in my mind, my old life also seems a distant memory as I embark on my walk with Jesus.
My Abortion Testimony
by "Shattered"
I don't want any response back i just need to tell the women or girls who are considering an abortion . that no matter what people tell you you don't feel better i am 20 years lod and dead already. because you see i had two .and the pain and guilt from this has been running my life only you can know whats right all i ask is that you pray before you say yes to abortion. raising a child is hard but the pain and grief of muredering your baby is harder. im 20 i should be smiling and happy and full of life but the truth is im dying from a broken heart nobody can feel but me. to all the women who know what it is to hurt, i'm sorry you do, god bless you all. we are all truly survivors.i like to believe that these feelings will leave but fact is their here to say. if god decides to forgive me thats great but i will never forgive myself and no matter what people say or what i did I LOVED MY BABIES!!!!!! and still feel them in my heart and i hope they can forgive me as i cannot forgive myself. thankyou for this chance to exppress and i hope someday that someone will read this and not have to go thru what so many of us have.
Incredible Mistake
by "Susan"
I am a 22 year old woman. When I was 13 I had an abortion. I was with a man and it was pretty much a one night stand. (Yes at 13) I had a terrible childhood. My father was abusive and was very strict. I started having sex at 12. The man which whom I got pregnant does not really know to this day that I was carrying his child.
My mother told me that there was no other way around it. My father couldn't know because if he found out he would beat me. Well I should have took that chance.
I really had no idea what I was about to do to this baby and that it would change my life forever. I was 2 days shy of being 4 months along when my mother found out so I had to get it quick or it would be too late for an abortion. I went in to the clinic and then a short while later my name was called. I dreaded going up those stairs to that cold room. The doctor was in at no time and told me anything he was doing. I just had twins and it has really sunk in what I did. I am a murderer! I killed my child for no reason. I may have been only 13 but there is other options!
ADOPTION! My heart breaks everyday for my child. Knowing how cruel I was and to think that baby died in the hands of its own mother. I have made a decision and it was like God spoke to me. I have to tell everyone I can my story and how much it hurts me to even wake up in the morning knowing what I have done. I am a regular person you would see at the mall or walking down the street but one thing makes me different. I killed my child without even really knowing I did so. I heard somewhere that as a part of the grieving process I should name my child. So I have. Angel Heart Smith. May seem kind of strange to name a child that but he is and always will be my angel and will always remain in my heart! Please if you or someone you know is considering an abortion go to see a counseler or a doctor ( not at a abortion clinic or planned parenthood, They are pro-choice and will talk you into it) Talk to someone at a pregnancy crisis center or you can even email me if you like. I would love to talk to you. Just please do something before another child is lost for a useless reason.
My heart will forever be lost and grieving for my unborn child but he will always be in my heart.
I didn't Want To Do It
by "Denise"
Hi, I am new to the group. I had my procedure Tuesdsay and Wedsday and now I am strong enough to write down my story.
I went to this clinic and I can actually say they were great with the girls there. They really seem to care. I was given counselling and I was asked many tiems is this what I realy wanted to do.
I was so scared when I found out I was pregnant becuase I had sex with my ex-boyfriend and then told him to stop, so he didnt finish. But I guess it was too late. I was scared about what my new partner would say and everyone else since I already have a 2 year-old and one more year of college left. So in reaity I was being selfish. I had asked my ex to help me when I found out. He kept saying he would but never did. I decided to take things in my own hands and seek help. I found out there were funds avaliable and I sought them out. I wish I had known sooner so I wouldn't have waited so late.
I was 21 weeks when they did the sonogram. They asked me if I wanted to see it or have a picture of it and I said no. I had seaweed rods inserted to dialate me the first day and I had to return the next day to get them removed and finish the procedure. I really didnt want the baby but I thought I should let someone else have it so I kept asking the counsellor if someone could just deliver the baby and see if it could survive but they told me a 21-week baby had no chance and couldn't even feel yet because it has no spinal column. I really didn't want to carry to term so no one would find out but I didnt want to do the abortion eitther. I came back the next day and they told me that I had to be sleep for the procedeure but I kept telling them that I didn't want to be, but they said that I had to be.
I had heard so many things about general anesthesia in a clinic I was so scared that God would punish me and never let me wake up. They had asked the day before in counselling if I wanted to see fetal material and I said I was not sure. I told them before the surgery that I wanted to see the fetus afterward and they said OK. All I remeber is there was an advocate in the room telling me it was OK, then someoen giving me a shot in the IV, and there was a doctor, nurse and an ultrasound person in the room also. The next thing I remember was my advocate was putting my clothes back on me. I went to recover and before I letf I asked again about seeing [the baby] so they took me in a back bathroom and came in with a tray. I was still drugged some so I really didn't react then. On the tray was the placenta and the cord and they showed these pieces of arms and the little hands were clinched. The feet and the legs were still togetehr but [attached to] no body. the head was horrible--it was crushed and all the features were gone. I saw the veins in the arms and legs and there was blood and matter all over. The nurse showed me the fetus like it was nothing at all.
I was relieved to be alive but I cant get the picture out of my mind. They told me the baby couldn't feel but that seems like the most horrible death anything could ever have.